I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
