Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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