i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
