He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Where is the hickey?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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