I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Will exercising make me less horny?
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