i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
