I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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