Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I am one with the molecules
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
