I wish my penis had an off switch
I don't think brook has ever known best
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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