I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
