Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
