Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
