Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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