i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
