I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
