we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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