Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
