Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
