I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
