Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
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Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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