No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
