Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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