I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
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He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
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I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?