Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...