the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
21 Horny People Confess Their Boldest Sexual Advances
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
29 Shocking Confessions That People Thought Were A Joke
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.