So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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