dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.