It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
