someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
