to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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