hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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