At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
