I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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