I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
