from now on my penis is your penis
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
