Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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