I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
