Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
