I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
