no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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