I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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