Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
