Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I enjoy the company of your penis
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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