I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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