the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
