best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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