I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
