I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
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You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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