Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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