hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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