I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
