if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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