I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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