i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
