I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
