And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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