so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
