After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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