I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
