Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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